COVID in 2022 | February 2022

 I have COVID. I've avoided it for two years, and here I am. It was inevitable to get COVID when I work in education with young people; the germs are quite literally everywhere. I'm bunged up and feeling blue just when the January blues have been whisked away by the warmer weather of early February.  

One thing I've learnt about the thought of isolating is that I HATE being inside ALL THE TIME. As much as I'm an introvert, I'd much rather be at work and busying my mind. My mental health thrives off being busy and socialising; as any human does. But the humbling experience of reading all day does really excite me as I'm a self-confessed bookworm. 

Isolation Day 1: 1st February 2022 

I couldn't sleep from the anxiety of the period of isolation ahead. So I lay awake at 6:30 am in the darkness and dim light of the early morning. I like productivity, but my body is telling me to rest. But my brain says no. I did a workout which was HARD. I catch up on training from work. PRODUCTIVITY. But what next? I just can't sit still, my restlessness is like an annoying fly trying to land on your food; it just won't go away. 

Isolation Day 2: 2nd February 2022 

I was sleep deprived last night. I felt miserable, sad and lonely. Another 4 days of the same 4 walls. But today I'm feeling okay. Just okay. I don't feel myself. But there's nothing I can do about the situation. I know I'm just bored. Literature and films is all I can view today, and the grey skies outside my window. When will it ever brighten up? 

Isolation is funny, as I now have the urge to whatever I want (within reason), but I'm just stuck in one position. We've had so much isolation that I'm craving to just go somewhere new. Watching other people do 'normal' things whilst you're stuck in your room has odd consequences. It makes you want to feel alive rather than existing in a world hibernating from a suffocating virus. 

Isolation Day 3: 3rd February 2022

I feel somewhat better today. I've accepted that it won't be much longer (hopefully) until I will have my very own freedom day. I can step outside of the house for actual fresh air and walk my dog. The smallest things are the ones that matter. More positive items on the agenda; I've nearly finished a book in three days! That's the fastest I've read a book in years. 

Isolation Day 4: 4th February 2022

Today was a rock bottom day for me. It's the boredom that's getting to me. I get to the afternoon and I'm bored of either staring at the TV, laptop or phone. I hate it. I've still got a positive lateral flow, which most likely means I'm going to be in isolation for a few more days. I like my own company but not when I'm stuck within the same four walls for days on end. 

I never was this anxious when we were in lockdown, maybe that's because I feel like I'm the only one in this position. Everyone else can go and do things and I'm stuck in a limbo. I thought to myself I really couldn't survive if I ever was to go to prison. That's quite literally a death sentence. 

Isolation Day 5: 5th February 2022

Anxious is the first thought I have this morning. I woke up with that heavy weight on my chest. I'm spending another day caught up in my room as I am yet again positive. I feel fine apart from the constant tiredness (which may be from the constant restlessness). I wish I could sleep all day to just get the day done with, but alas that is not how my brain works. Once it's awake, it's awake for at least 10 hours. 

Writing helps, even if it's for 10 minutes a day. I've started my first Stephen King novel: 11.22.63. I think I'm going to love this one, even though I'm only 50 pages in. But still I get restless at reading all day, it's productive but my mind thinks; no you should be doing something else too. I just can't sit still. I get that from my Mum. 

I was listening to music last night, specifically Finneas's new album: Optimist. The song Only a Lifetime really stuck with me. I'm attempting to be more slow and mindful, but isolation has completely obliterated those thoughts as I'm wishing this time of my life away. 

                                'Don't waste the time you have waiting for time to pass

                                It's only a lifetime

                                That's not long enough

                                You're not gonna like it without any love

                                So don't waste it'

He's right of course. This will be 10 days I will never get back and I'm hating every second. But there's a positive to it. I can try and do all the things I don't usually get chance to do: write, meditate, relax and read. 2022 is a positive year, I think. 

Isolation Day 6: 6th February 2022

Guess what...I'm still positive. I'm home alone now with the dog so it's real introvert time. But how much introvert time is too much? I woke up with the anxious weight on my chest that many that suffer from anxiety know and hate. Sometimes I can get rid of it, but today it's just not fluttering away. It makes me feel breathless and uncomfortable. I know it's because my 'normality' at the moment isn't normal for me. I thrive off routine and I haven't had it for nearly a week. 

Let's focus on the positives: I'll have the antibodies of COVID for my immune system, I can read (my favourite thing to do), have some time to myself and just relax. I'm really rubbish at relaxing as I've said before. When you're forced to relax for days on end it can get quite boring, but also can become the norm. The only sense of routine I have is meditating. 

Isolation Day 7: 7th February 2022

It's the day I expected to go back to normal, but alas I'm still positive. I get the feeling I'm going to have to isolate for the full 10 days. I'm not as anxious today because there's nothing I can do but wait until I have a negative test. I've realised that going on my phone all day is seriously not agreeing with me. I love my own company but I also get in my own head really easily and overthink EVERYTHING. 

Writing everyday also helps to get out everything that I'm feeling. I've haven't felt as anxious as I have in the past week for years. It's the unknown that makes me anxious, which I thought I was great at managing but obviously not. Anxiety and mental health is a whirlwind, and what I've learnt is realistically all you've got is yourself. Even if you want people to help you, they won't say the right things to you. They won't say things you would say to other people if they were in your position. But that's okay, it makes you stronger and more independent on yourself. 

Isolation Day 8: 8th February 2022

The end is near. I have an increasingly faint line on my lateral flow tests, so that is only good news. I'm no longer infectious but I don't want to risk passing it on to other people. During my whole isolation I've realised how much of a people pleaser I am and am wanting to move away from that mindset. 

My rant today is a personal one, but it's something that extremely saddens me at times. It has something to do with my self-esteem and self worth. 2022 and how far I've come in the past few years has encouraged me to realise that you life isn't for other people, it's for you. I'm grateful for everyone around me, but for some the effort is not reciprocated. What is wrong with me? I keep asking myself. There's nothing wrong with me I think now. I've got to stand up for myself more. 

Isolation Day 9: 9th February 2022

I am finally negative. Freedom day is upon us. Tomorrow I go back to work. It feels slightly odd as I haven't exactly missed the outside world, but I've missed the socialisation that comes with going to work and that 'routine'. I need some busyness in my life. The only effect of COVID I'm having is the tiredness. As soon as it hits 2pm I'm genuinely exhausted (but that might just be a mixture between not doing much and the constant viewing of TV that my eyes are not accustomed to 24/7). 

The experience has been up and down, but it's done with now and I can go back to normal. I've had this time at home to reset and wind down (even though I may have dipped in to some kind of insanity at some point). 

Back to the outside world I go...