My Anxiety and Mental Health | May 2021

 I've been reflecting recently on when my mental health shifted to the forefront of my life. It affected my physical and mental wellbeing, and the interaction I have with others. The start of secondary school was probably the biggest transition for me, I came from a very small primary school with about 20 people in my year. We were all quite close, and going to a school with over 1000 students bubbled in to its classrooms, it could be considered a massive culture shock. You'd known the people in your year for the past 6/7 years, yet going in to a year with over 100 people was entirely different. Of course, it was exciting and you could meet new people. But, it was the unknown that sets my anxiety off, and it still does to this day. What could happen in your day is beyond your control, but in school if something embarrassing or dramatic happens you feel like your whole day has been destroyed. Well you can tell that I was quite the dramatic teenager. I wouldn't say I was bullied in school, but there was definite moments where I was picked on for the way I looked. As a teenager, you're at the most impressionable time of your life, so of course I believed the things these people were saying, and maybe that was an addition to my body dysmorphia and eating disorder that still wreaks havoc in my mind today. It was mostly boys that would think they could have an opinion on the way I looked, it wasn't as if I was the ugliest or largest girl in school, but I suppose you could say I wasn't the mainstream beauty standard of 'skinny'. 

College was probably one of the most miserable times of my life, and I don't think I realised just how miserable I was until I left. Even though I would go to most of my classes, and do the work, I dreaded the lunches and even just going there. I didn't click with most of the people there (maybe due to my shyness), I had very few friends, and my only purpose then was to finish my A-levels. I've never been one to reach out for help, because I know others have got it worse. But I now understand that all pain is relative, and you need to reach out sometimes to get the empathy and understanding you deserve. But if no one actually listens to you when you're at your lowest, what do you do next? 

Things changed when I started my first job in retail. I become more confident in my ways, more assertive and social. Shifting from a socially awkward teenager, to a socially aware one with the power to help people really changed my purpose from being in a pit of self-pity, to knowing my self-worth through employment and social connections. I found friends outside of my old 'clique' and most importantly I found myself becoming more independent. I learned to drive, and gained the capital that fuelled my independence even more. 

I'd always been quite an anxious child, I was painfully shy and awkward around people. But the experience I was offered when I was 17, even though it was the most simple of occupations did me the world of good. Even though I didn't know it at the time, and my anxiety was filling up the negative thoughts in my brain, I pushed myself in to the new thing in my life, and became more confident and independent. Independence is the best thing you can gain as a young person, and a young woman. 

I've grown out of the stage of being afraid of 'just being me', because why shouldn't you be yourself. I am kind, good and a decent human. Why should I be afraid to be me? Being yourself in a world of digital pressure to maintain a certain 'look' or 'body type', or even a certain personality to fit in is hard. Every teenager and even adult goes through it, and deals with it on a daily basis. But just knowing and accepting that you are good enough how you are, even if you have flaws is okay. Even perfect. Having flaws is key to being human, and your flaws are part of you as much as your eye colour is. It's natural and normal.

University was the pinnacle for me. When they say they'll be the greatest years of your life, it's definitely true (except when you graduate in a Pandemic, I wouldn't highly recommend doing that). I gained best friends for life, loved and adored my degree and again gained the independence I needed to be grateful and content with my life. I have the confidence to succeed and pursue anything that I want to be. I have the privilege of gaining both academic and job experience, and gaining the knowledge to know what I want to do and how to get there.